


Nyctophobia

by ZinniaRoseStark



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce & Hulk Interaction, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Bruce Banner Has Issues, Dark, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Manic Episode, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bruce Banner, Road Trips, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 05:27:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13093362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZinniaRoseStark/pseuds/ZinniaRoseStark
Summary: “Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just let go? We like to think we’re in control of the things that haunt us, but then something happens, some...memory gets triggered and we get violently reminded that we really only have so much control. Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you let that control go? If you let it slip from your fingers...let the small cord holding it snap and just sit back and watch what happens?”“More than you know.”Dr. Banner’s chance run in with a strange woman has him second guessing everything he’s ever thought about himself. She slowly unravels the tight ropes he’d been keeping around himself for so long, making him realize there’s others out there that are more like him than he realized.





	Nyctophobia

Nyctophobia. Fear of darkness or night. It’s ridiculous for an adult to be afraid of the dark, but it’s in the dark when all your nightmares become reality. It’s in the suffocating void where your brain plays tricks, creating the monsters you only see in your dreams. Your very fears are brought to life in front of you until someone, somewhere turns on a light. In the dark there’s also solitude. When you can’t see there’s no telling who, or what, is around you. You’re alone to face the terrors your own mind creates despite you knowing it’s only in your head. 

But is it really in your head? 

In the dark, you’re vulnerable to your own thoughts and those monsters that may or may not be surrounding you. Humans can’t see in the dark. It leaves your brain to fill in all those missing details. That shape in the corner, the shadow cast by a misplaced jacket, the monster looming over you, waiting for the opportune moment to strike. 

It’s in the dark where all of the thoughts start pounding down on you, when it’s quiet and your brain starts to tell you everything you did wrong, every mistake you’ve ever made, every scenario that could have been, could be, has been. When those cold fingers start to press into your mind, the doubt, the pain, the sorrow. Everything you’ve lost, every moment that could have been, pushing, forcing its way in. Pushing against your chest, suffocating you, tightening until you can barely breathe, leaving you gasping for air over nothing but terrifying thoughts. 

It’s where the tears come, the silent sobs, praying no one hears you. When you can finally feel the pain, let the sorrow take over, lose yourself for just a moment. Show the weakness you try so hard to hide because in the darkness, no one can see it’s you. You can hide in the darkness, pretend to be someone else for a moment, or stop pretending to be anyone else than who you are. You can lose the control that you try so hard to keep over everything. You can come undone. 

Because the dark is safe. But it’s also dangerous. 

Bruce Banner knew this better than anyone. His sleep was filled with nightmares, more often than not. Losing control of the Hulk, killing everyone in his vicinity. Sometimes going to sleep and never waking up, being lost in the Hulk for however long the Hulk could survive on his own. It kept him up at night, late hours in the lab, going over equation after equation, test result after test result until his eyes burned and he was shaking from the sheer level of caffeine in his system. But ever on he’d go, crashing for a few hours at a time, never enough to get a deep sleep.  People noticed the dark marks under his eyes, the ever present reminder of the struggles he faces day to day, but no one ever says anything. No one can. They all understand too. 

Tony goes nights without sleeping, his sleep plagued with nightmares of being stuck in space, defeat at the hands of Ultron, being responsible for the death of everyone he loves and cares about. Steve wakes up in the dead of night freezing cold and shaking as he stumbles into the shower, turning it as hot as it will go as he stands under it, trying to remind himself that he’s here. He’s not frozen still. 

More often than not you’ll find Clint in the vents, curled up in some corner, hugging his bow to his chest. Nightmares of missions gone wrong, his past life, the one time he misses and it costs him worse than his own life. Natasha will wake up in the middle of the night, gripping the headboard, feeling the cold metal of the handcuff around her wrist still, memories of what she went through, what she had to do bombarding her brain. 

Thor will wander the halls at night, nothing ever feeling quite right on Midgard. The air is thinner, the matter lighter, the atmosphere not as dense as it is on Asgard. Electricity crackles at his fingertips as he tries to forget, tries to tell himself it wasn’t his fault. None of it was his fault. He did all he could. 

Sam still wakes up feeling like he’s falling. Like it should have been him that had been shot out of the sky, not Riley. The way his stomach dropped when he watched Riley fall out of the sky ever present when he wakes, his hands gripping the bed to remind himself he’s on the ground, not falling out of the sky. 

Wanda has it the worst. She wakes up, various items floating around her room, the sense of dread and guilt that never leaves her despite what everyone says. It’s not her fault. But she can’t help but feel that it is. The hole in her chest aching every time she wakes, wishing she could just go to him, hold him and have him reassure her that everything will be alright again. But he’s not there. He’s gone. 

None of them were alright. They had all faced so much, and it was easy to hide it in the light, easy to distract themselves. But in the dead of night, in the silence when everything comes pouring out, that’s when they’re at their most vulnerable. When they can’t help but let the insecurities, the pain, the guilt, the nightmares sneak in and steal them away, turning them into people they don’t even recognize because it’s easy to hide it. Easy to smile at the cameras and say everything’s great, when on the inside nothing is alright. Saving the world was great, but no one ever talks about what happens to the people who save it. 

Bruce always thought he was alone, until he started noticing patterns in his teammates. Running into Thor on the way to the kitchen, seeing Tony in the same place in the lab four hours later. If they couldn’t bond over saving the world and being a team, they could bond over the nightmares. They had that much in common. 

Bruce knew he shouldn’t be as guilty as he was. He could only control things to a certain point, but it was getting easier and easier to become the Hulk, and harder and harder to be Bruce Banner. He needed a vacation. Some time away from everything, time to focus and relax. 

And the invitation to be a judge at the upcoming science convention in Salt Lake City was just what he needed. 


End file.
